I am part of the solution

Well, good morning. 

I woke up yesterday and wrote about half of a regular blog and intended to continue it this morning, but now I feel inclined to start something new.  Honestly, I’m grateful for the words and inspiration that I seem to have this morning.  In an otherwise overwhelming week, things seem to be a little simple and clear right now.  You could say that I rose…listening.  I’ve been intent on this listening, and due to my unfocused words yesterday, I obviously must have still been scattered, just 24 hours ago. 

You know that feeling?  Like there’s just too much going on to sit at this laptop and try to expound about one focused subject?

So here it goes.  Here’s what woke me.

Loud speaker:  “This is your gut calling, Jennifer.  Please listen and respond accordingly.”

I seem to be reading and hearing a lot about our schools reopening.  There is much to debate, and I think people are being quite thoughtful, for the most part.  I could repeat the words of many, but I don’t really think you need that this morning. 

In reading through the TEA’s recommendations and also anxiously awaiting my own school district’s plan, I feel pretty assured of my position and intent for my own children.  It’s true, I don’t even know if my own personal plan is going to align with Round Rock ISD’s offerings which they will announce on Tuesday, but over the last couple of weeks, I’ve decided that it seemed important to form my own opinion of what I want for my children, their friends, and for their teachers…first. 

I mean, if I wait to see what they offer, aren’t I just giving away a little power and possibly, avoiding responsibility?  Asking for multiple choice, instead of fill-in-the-blank? You KNOW that’s harder.

Nah, we all have choice.  At least to a certain degree.  I KNOW what my preferred choice is already, so I am able make a decision and voice it now as to what I choose…and then just see if RRISD happens to offer what I want.  Who knows if they will align, but my mind is made up.  I know what my gut says.  I suppose Tuesday, I’ll know if I’ll be able to make this specific choice, with the support of the school district, its staff, and my children’s teachers.

I don’t politicize mask wearing.  I don’t politicize racial injustice.  And I most certainly don’t politicize my feelings about whether or not my children should go into their school building in a month. 

If you’ve read any of my writings since the beginning of this outbreak, you know that I usually focus on intent.  Conscious and present decision-making and informed actions…focusing on what you have the ability to control and…interwoven into just about everything that I’ve written is an effort to imply PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. 

I can easily say that I denounce parts of what I consider to be the American Way.  I don’t hate this country or any of its inhabitants, but as a person who experienced many privileges and STILL do, I see it clearly. With privilege, comes responsibility.

More specifically, I don’t appreciate people taking more than they need, denying the pain of others, or having a laissez faire approach to societal concerns.  Yeah, well…every issue surrounding this pandemic is a societal concern.  There are many.  Their effects are vast.  And we all just sit in our little homes, participate in social media, and try to take care of whoever happens to be within our own walls. 

And that, in and of itself is overwhelming at times.  I DO know this.  If I were to tell you just how many times, I felt overwhelmed this past week, you may not believe me, or you may conclude that I need to be on medication.  But nope.  I’m not on medication, nor is taking care of eight children too MUCH for me or Mike during this time.  I may fail every day at some parts of it but overall, we’re doing just fine.  We have our bills paid.  We have our jobs.  We have more computers in the house than I care to admit.  And we have always worked from home, so our daily schedules have always been accommodating and our employer is a super human being.  We are lucky.  We are blessed, you could say. 

And therefore, I believe we carry RESPONSIBILITY. 

A few months ago, I wrote a blog called American Privilege.  I’d say you should go back and read it, but I’ve taken it down off this blog site, because I believe it angered an individual who eventually found out about it.  Don’t worry, I’m not running for cover, but I’m engaged in possible court action, so I thought it prudent to not “poke the bear”.  Never in my life, did I think I would have to consider my first amendment rights and whether or not WRITING was the right thing to do or not…but alas, yes.  That has happened.  I must be wise with my actions and also my words, but also continue to have self-respect and a pure heart in this writing endeavor.  So for now, and several of the latest blogs, I’ve kept these specific concerns at the forefront. 

Who knows?  Even saying what I’ve just said, may anger again.  But being forthcoming and open is of utmost importance, so I will write on, folks.  You don’t have to agree with everything I say, but you are asked to respect my reasons for writing it.

That blog spoke of my daughter being allowed to work outside of the home WAY back at the beginning of this shutdown.  I was stunned and angered by those actions.  They were not my own.  I don’t need to repeat all that I wrote, but the intention was to speak of an aspect of “privilege”, where individuals take more than what they need.  We are all privy to this pitfall, myself included, so I wanted to write about how I viewed people taking optional jobs during a shutdown, choosing those risks, and making money that they truly do not NEED in order to function healthfully.  Meaning, if you had what you needed during that time, then those opportunities needed to be for OTHERS who could not pay their bills.  That’s how I saw it then, and that’s how I see it now.

It is my position that AS those lucky and blessed individuals, it is our RESPONSIBILITY to stay the fuck out of the way while all of this is occurring, and let those who are struggling and MUST risk their health in the workplace, to be able to find these positions and to be able to WORK in as healthy an environment as possible. 

Yes, I believe this strongly, and will continue to speak of what I see as personal responsibility and familial responsibility, because that’s all we really have control over, people.  That’s IT sometimes.  So make your choices and decisions within the walls of your own home…MATTER. 

My daughter took that job at the beginning of April and even resumed her hostess position over a month ago, when the restaurant she has worked for, for over a year, reopened.  That carried risk for our entire family, and even produced a positive Covid test a couple of weeks ago.  Sure, that was annoying, but I didn’t freak out about that exposure.  Rather, I viewed it as inevitable to a certain degree, so we all just dealt with it with tolerance and careful decision-making.  I knew that my thoughts and concerns over her working would not be supported by the other household in which she also resides, so I just had to take whatever came.  I made my decision, I voiced it, it was denied, and then I had to just move on. 

That may even happen again.  Whatever decision I make regarding my children entering the school buildings, may be vetoed by another household.  That’s terribly concerning for me, on so many levels.  But that doesn’t mean that my words and my actions don’t matter.  That doesn’t mean that I keep my mouth shut and let others decide what I say and how I say it.  Even if someone disagrees with me, my words may spark a productive thought that leads them to consider their actions differently.  That’s why we read the words of others.  That’s why we speak our own truths.  If you clicked on this post, then you made a decision, right?  And you are making a decision to read on at this very moment, so whatever you take away from my writing is your responsibility and yours alone.

It’s even POSSIBLE that whatever I decide is in alignment with my children’s other household.  That would be wonderful.  I would be “lucky and blessed”.  Ha!  I have always shown my willingness and ability to negotiate in the past, and I voice that intention now.  But what I’ve never done before…is stand by my convictions. 

I hope I get the option to keep my children home and continue their PUBLIC education virtually…at least for several six-week periods.  This is my preference, and it may not be for the reasons you assume. 

For the most part, I see it as our familial responsibility to do so, because we have the ability and we have the willingness.  I see it as a way to stay the fuck out of the way, while others must take on those risks in order to support their families.  Period. 

I make that decision so that class sizes for any in-person learning remain small enough to be able to realistically have some sort of social distancing within the classrooms. 

For those families who NEED their children in school, so those parents can continue to work outside of their homes. 

For those TEACHERS who are forced to enter the classroom and assume those risks for themselves, personally and for their families and loved ones.

And yes, unfortunately for those children of parents who don’t view any of this as any kind of real health risk at all.  My decision BENEFITS them as well, but that’s not who I am focusing on.

And in doing so, I fully realize that more is required of me as a parent.  This will not be fun, but it will be necessary.  Will is ten, and to say that I allowed him to skate through the remainder of last spring scholastically, is an understatement.  I often felt like a failure, and that was because his work was minimal at best.  I myself, was adjusting to the shutdown, and my own personal lack of motivation surely affected his, so I am aware that those efforts were NOT enough for him. 

The only risk in this decision that I SEE, is that I’LL have to do more.  I’ll have to help him stay focused, create enrichment activities and also provide opportunities for socialization.  But I can DO that, people.  I’m resourceful.  I’m smart.  And it just takes a little exploration and intent.

I see this as my responsibility as an American and as a person in my community.  And lastly, as a person who is able to pay my bills by working my job from the comfort of my home in my PJ’s.  It will be hard, but that’s what I feel I am called to do.

It has been interesting.  I received quite a bit of feedback about “American Privilege” and also “I am part of the problem”.  The latter blog got shared more than anything I’ve ever written, but I also had individuals who were close to me, assume that I was making judgements on others as well.  That concerned me, but also deeply interested me.  Why would that be?  Why would someone take offense at a writing where every sentence began with “I statements”? 

If you’ve never been in the therapeutic world, and specifically within a group therapy session, then this concept may be new to you.  Here’s how Wikipedia defines them.

“In interpersonal communication, an I-message or I-statement is an assertion about the feelings, beliefs, values, etc. of the person speaking, generally expressed as a sentence beginning with the word "I", and is contrasted with a "you-message" or "you-statement", which often begins with the word "you" and focuses on the person spoken to. I-messages are often used with the intent to be assertive without putting the listener on the defensive by avoiding accusations. They are also used to take ownership for one's feelings rather than implying that they are caused by another person.”

So, in conclusion, let me say the following:

I fervently respect the beliefs, values and opinions of others. And I uphold everyone’s right to make decisions for their own children.

I feel a responsibility to do what I can.  And what I CAN DO is take on more responsibility in the education and socialization of my own children.  I have been overwhelmed at times, but when I feel this way, it’s likely time to ask for help.  There are people close to me who I turn to, and smart and giving individuals that will help if I just ASK them.  It takes a village, right? So I must create that village with intention and creativity, in this current pandemic. Teachers have been asked to give enough and to do enough. It’s time that I repay that commitment.

I am willing to contribute more to the education of my children, because I have the ability.  And I do not feel my children will suffer because of these actions.  I’ve been a classroom teacher before, and I still consider myself one.

We’ve had eight children in my household for the entire summer. Jesus, my kids have had more socializing than most, and any socialization that needs to occur in the coming months can be creative and also safely achieved…with a little additional effort. It won’t be perfect, but there are no perfect options now, nor will there be for quite some time. We’re all in this together, right? We’re all having to sacrifice our own personal desires and preferences. The question isn’t “What am I willing to give up?” The question is “What am I willing to DO?”

I will not take more than what I need, because there are MILLIONS of AMERICANS who do not have the same options, resources and support that I do.

I do this for THEM.  And I hope that my children understand why.