From my home to yours
I rose early to write to you today. You’re welcome. Not that you really needed my writing today, but it’s likely good to have something that’s not overwhelming to read this morning. Right? And let’s be honest. What else do you REALLY have to do today? I mean…it’s Saturday, you can’t freely roam, you probably don’t have to work, and no one cares if your closet is a mess or if you haven’t planted spring flowers yet. In the whole scheme of things, if you aren’t sick and panicked right now, you are sitting pretty. Well…pretty? Again, who cares?!? Ain’t nobody going to see you today, unless you decide to video chat or Facetime with someone, so you don’t have to shower. You don’t have to shave. You don’t even have to change from your comfy PJ’s. Undoubtedly, if you are an adult…for the majority of us, this is the most liberating experience in a few ways.
If you choose to view it as such.
That’s the key, right? If we choose to view things in a positive way.
That doesn’t mean that I deny what’s happening all around me. Or that I let my children function in ignorance, allowing them to congregate with their pals, and laugh and hug with others in abundance. But it does mean that I have about zero typical societal expectations today. You know, the ones that I usually worry about, prepare for, make sure that my children adhere to.
I don’t really put the same expectations on myself that I used to. I’ve already written plenty about that. I have already filtered out many of my older views, opinions and typical expectations around my existence. Mornings have already become a time of reflection and intention. I value simple rules and speaking the truth. I think quite positively and attempt to pass on the same to others. I could go on and on, and if you need any stories and explanations of these ideas, just go back and read a few posts. It’s been a beautiful thing to recognize these simple beliefs and to function and react to others and the world around me, from that space. Perhaps that prepared me for this. Perhaps I was already primed and ready for this pandemic of fear and social isolation that’s occurring. For cutting out the bullshit and giving myself grace and extending it for others.
Mike and I have a couple of sayings that we live by. Or it may be more appropriate to say that these two sayings often confirm that ENOUGH is well with the world or that we’ve accomplished the bare minimum required.
The first one is “No one died today.” Yep, pretty simple. When we reunited after 25 years, he had lost both his only brother and also his best friend in the preceding year. It had been crushing and life affirming for him personally, so anytime that he said this, I knew from whence it came. It had both gravity and levity. And I loved that it reminded me that it wasn’t death that he was referring to. He wasn’t being negative or morbid. It was a reminder to keep things in perspective and look at the world from the ground up, frankly. We all try our best, but usually, nothing goes quite as planned. We are asked to accept that and remember that our best must be good enough both internally and externally. We must trust that what we do and say comes from our better selves (at least it should), and that what we have given must be acceptable to us and to others.
We probably say it most when it’s been a rough day. OR a surprisingly nice day. At the beginning of our relationship, I often said it aloud, after planning, preparing, packing and enduring our outings with all eight of the children. I mean, to take eight children (at the time, ages 6-17) to a full day of river swimming, realizing that they were now this “blended family,” indulging the individual culinary preferences of each child, making sure that everyone had sun care, ample floatation devices, their favorite towel, enough car room, appropriate seating in the cars for travel-where they didn’t sit next to the child they were most likely to fight with, and balancing the desires of each of them when they were “done” with the outing and wanted to go home. Oh yeah, that was often different with each one of them. We have to take both vehicles for outings such as these, so we often divide and conquer, where he leaves with the few that are ready to get back home, while I may stay for another two hours with the ones who are still moving and grooving in delight. It’s epic teamwork.
So, at the end of the day, after I make it home with the complicated Chick-fil-A order where the checkout lady forgot all of the fries and I didn’t notice, because I did NOT have the energy or patience to even open the bags that they gave me through the window, leaving me with the reality of eight disappointed and sunburned faces once I finally made it home…(of COURSE this all happened within one day). When ALL of this happens, and we realize that no one even fought during the day and that we could easily chalk up the day as a success, we proclaim to one another. “No one died today!” And again, I view the world from the ground up. I know that I’ve done my best, because not only is that a basic intention, but everything looks pretty fucking rosy when you say that aloud.
I guess in this present situation, it has unprecedented truth. After a week of isolation, I can say that no one I KNOW died today. Well, it’s early, so…yesterday. All in all, a pretty decent outcome. If I ended yesterday with that notion, then that was my way of expressing gratitude.
So this brings me to our other favorite declaration. Especially relevant in the morning, because our initial mood and morning grimace can affect ourselves and others more than we may realize. AND in a household where there are two teenagers sleeping upstairs…it’s really a RULE, more than anything.
“Don’t be a dick.”
If I were to say it any other way, I’d probably say that it’s the same thing as saying, “Be Kind.” That would be a wonderful thing for myself and my teenagers to live by. But again, let’s just be honest. That’s a little hard to do sometimes…but if you start with, “Don’t be a dick,” everyone knows what that means. Being kind implies that things must happen proactively. That’s all good and fine, but that’s not my bottom line sometimes. No, I don’t share this particular vernacular with my nine-year-old, but it has been expressed to my teenagers. I never curse when angry, and I don’t allow that in my household, but to explain this rule with this kind of clarity to a teenager, brings both gravity and relatability.
Last night, the doorbell rang about 9:00 pm. I wasn’t expecting any Amazon packages, so I was curious as to who and why someone would be ringing the doorbell at that hour, under these current circumstances. Grace got to the door before I did, opened the door to two smiling teen aged girls that I had never met, and welcomed them into the front hallway. And I was stunned, really. So ridiculous to be in this situation, where I was stunned by two of her friends walking into the first few feet of my home. But I was. So, I reticently said hello to them, introduced myself, and had to immediately follow that up with an explanation that we were self-quarantining and that this visit needn’t occur.
I literally had to ask them to leave. That’s a first. I LOVE being the house where teens feel comfortable. I used to delight when I would wake up in the morning, only to find four pairs of giant sized teen aged boy $150 sneakers at the bottom of the stairs, because that meant that there was a hoard of boys in Evan’s room, sleeping with improper covers on what ever surface was available…bean bag, floor, chair, a single boy in the Queen-sized bed, because that’s what boys do…they don’t sleep in the same bed, even when there’s more space on that surface than the available floor space. I love ALL of that. So, it was a strange turn of events to turn teens away, and to be left feeling like a dork of an over-reactor and just a plain ole bitch of a mom. But that’s how I felt.
They still stayed for several more minutes than I would have liked. Yes, I guess I could have told them that they could come to the backyard and sit across the deck from Grace and chat, but I suppose I didn’t exactly think of that at the moment. And it was probably a good thing to be forced to communicate my current convictions. Those are the things that I don’t do well, personally. Speak up at important moments.
But I couldn’t go back on what I had already communicated to my children. That we would only physically socialize with immediate family, which for them, means going between two households totaling more than 10 people…so that’s plenty. I had to stand by what I said, which had been both easy to say and also easy to enforce when we’ve been home the last few days, only had curbside grocery pickup, and only ventured out for crucial items.
And after they left, I had to explain to her why they were breaking the rule. This unspoken rule. “Don’t be a dick.” Those two teen aged girls who dropped by unexpectedly, were possible carriers of the literal and figurative virus that no one should willingly spread. And that’s just not nice. That’s not being kind. When they knocked on a stranger’s door (because these were not friends of her’s that I even knew), they were more than just self-serving, they had the potential to hurt others. To make us fearful.
And it’s interesting. When I calmly explained this, she understood it, and didn’t argue in the least. You must think of your actions, how they may affect others, and ask yourself NOT JUST if you are being kind…(I mean, she’s a teenager. I would LOVE to say that she’s always kind, but again, I like to start from the ground up. Basic expectations, man.) I promote kindness, but more importantly, I don’t let her be a dick.
I had to explain that I don’t give a shit if she or THEY would likely pull through symptoms of this virus. That the greater good is not being a carrier, even the absolute possibility of being a non-symptomatic carrier, and most likely…willingly being a carrier of spreading fear.
Willingly NOT caring about spreading fear is being THAT…dick, that I speak of. That’s teen language, and I think we all get that.
She was able to see in that moment what I’ve been saying to her for the past week. THAT was the lack of social responsibility that knocked on my door. TWO of them. She saw her mom stand up for this household, for social awareness, and for adhering to basic human kindness. Speaking our own personal truth. Not allowing the desires of others to compromise what you feel is necessary and right to do. Closing the door on dickness, and sitting on the couch in safety, eating some brownies, laughing at the TV, and accepting that life is pretty damn good.
We have the means to work from home. Business is good for Mike and me, because our company already worked remotely and handles IT needs for all of our clients, including making sure that all of their workers can work from home. So, it’s safe to say that the last week has been very, very busy for us. I have given myself grace as far as activities for the kids is concerned, and it was technically their spring break this past week. Everyone has been accepting of staying home, gaming, watching Netflix marathons, making interesting meals, chatting on their phones, perusing YouTube. Ha! I was tempted to include reading, creative art projects, ingenious outdoor outings, etc…but most of that hasn’t occurred daily.
My Amazon order of a plethora of art supplies arrived yesterday. I have great plans for the day, but who knows what mood we will all wake up in? Who knows what ideas will actually come to fruition? It’s silly to try to control too much. No one has even raised their voice in this house for the last week, so I ain’t messing with perfection. And that’s pretty close to perfection in my book.
I don’t believe in controlling, just for the sake of having control. Especially with children. If I can’t express appropriately my reasons for something, then I should question what I’m saying or asking of them. I’m sure that when I bust out the newly purchased canvases and acrylic paints today, that everyone will partake in the opportunity, but I’m not going to force anyone to participate. Would that be for ME or for them?
And I like spontaneity. Lordy, whatever idea you come up with, just run with it, and encourage your kids to do the same. If no one can die from it, they clean up after themselves, and they aren’t being unkind, then just let it happen. My lunch hour on Wednesday turned into a hair dying session for Will and myself. That was fun and turned into an unexpected conversation about being okay with outwardly being a little “weird.” Yes, we both have a distinct hair color named Blue Chrome right now. CVS had toilet paper, limited to one purchase, and I also went down the hair color aisle for inspiration, came home with a few options, and let him pick.
Perhaps he knows that likely, none of his friends will see him in the coming weeks. He may feel safety from ridicule precisely for that reason. Who knows? I’m careful with the deeper conversations right now, because he’s only nine. He doesn’t know that this situation could last for weeks and weeks at this point. But what a great opportunity for him to feel comfortable to express himself in a safe way. He knows that I’m okay with his choice to be “just a little bit weird,” as he called it, and I suppose I’m proud of that. The picture above really doesn’t do the color justice. Oh, yes, it’s MUCH more blue in the sunlight. Ha! Janet would not be so pleased. That’s my mother, for those of you who might not know.
Mike and I have been working long hours, letting the kids feed themselves during the workday, do pretty much whatever they’d like throughout the day, as long as they stay at home, not yell or fight, clean up after themselves, and not be dicks. I am lucky that they are 9, 15 and 17. I’m sure there would have been ENTIRELY different expectations and outcomes if they were younger. But alas, they are REALLY great kids, and Mike and I are good parents. So hey, we like one another here in this house, and I’m grateful. Will often explains our house as feeling “relaxed,” and I take that as a compliment and remind him that his presence encourages and affects that as well.
I started out the week allowing teens to go to parks and such with their friends, but that ceased near the middle of the week. We’re down to just us, and I have no idea how much longer this will be. It seems like a good time to bust out all of the alcoholic rhetoric like: One Day at a Time AND Do the Next Right Thing AND Keep it Simple. But I still like the two that I gave you today, because they are very relevant and have made a lasting impression on me, personally.
I suppose in closing, I must speak about alcohol. Lord, wouldn’t this be a great time for a glass of wine? Well, not 6:00 in the morning, but about 6:00 last night??? Yes, it would. Perhaps for some of you reading, it was. But I accept that in doing so, THIS girl would be being a dick. I don’t get to do that. I don’t get to post a celebration about how Texas restaurants are now delivering alcohol. I don’t get to use it to relax anymore, or blur the lines of reality, or take the edge off the day that didn’t turn out how I intended.
We are in charge of our own homes today. Just start there. It’s likely that everyone viewing this is reading from both the comfort and confines of their own home. You are in control. You have the responsibility to greet the day and any others that dwell there, with your best self. IF that’s successful, then expand your outreach. Think of others. Give yourself grace and extend it to others. Stand up for your most basic convictions during this time.
I send you all peace and good will. We’re a little bit weird around here, but obviously okay with that, and no one is fighting. I need to open the fridge now and create my next Top Chef breakfast moment, by using my creativity and ingenuity with whatever ingredients are still remaining. I promise to stay in touch in this way, whenever time and energy permits, always taking care of the basic expectations and individuals in this household first. When I extend this kind of time to others, it just means that all is well here. And it is.
