My apologies to you

Hellooooooo out there!!!!!  Is anyone home?

Don’t answer that.  I don’t really mean it as a question for you to answer, but rather, as a statement of what the last week has felt like.  I suppose that’s why my writing has felt a little more like a plea than simple expression of my inner thoughts.  Right?

I mean, it’s been almost a month of primarily being at home, apprehensive to go to stores or venture out for anything other than crucial supplies, and it’s really easy to feel like no one is listening or feeling the same way I am.  But that, of course, is entirely untrue.

Of the six months that I’ve been writing, this present situation and writing about it, is perhaps the ONE time when I can say that you know exactly what I’m talking about.  There have been plenty of times when I write about being in recovery, that I think “they probably don’t know what I mean”…unless you are like me, meaning, you have an addictive past or present. 

But at this moment, I seem to be writing more about this time of seclusion and what WE as individuals can and do contribute to the experience.  How we are dealing with it…deciding what our daily, weekly and even societal goals are.

On the morning of my last post, I woke up and saw that my mother had texted me a rather long message the night before.  I had already decided that I was going to write about what had happened with Grace’s father, so I didn’t open that text.  I just made my coffee, sat down with my laptop and started writing.  The words came quite easily, because I had been analyzing the situation and building some valid resentment for several days.  I’m pretty sure you could tell. 

I needed to write it all.  For ME.  And it was obviously important for me, personally, to have the courage to put those thoughts out there.  It was a presentation of my personal experiences for many years, and it was also intended to be a social commentary.

I not only finished the writing, but even posted it a few hours later, before I ever read my mom’s text.  And that’s probably a good thing.  Not because she doesn’t have insightful thoughts and concerns, but because I may have changed my message, or not written at all.  She was giving me feedback on what she felt were reactions to my rather frustrated blog from last week and also a gentle suggestion that I NOT write about what happened with Grace and her father. 

Welp, too late!  I had done exactly what she had warned me not to do.  By the way, her thoughts are always suggestions.  They are never meant to control what I do, just to make me think…and I appreciate that greatly.  None of us should go “unchecked,” especially when what we do affects others.  We must consider this reality strongly, and choose how we voice our opinions, right?  I thought about her words for quite some time, but I did not change my writing. Moving forward in strength was simply more important than the fact that I could be making others uncomfortable. Sure, I still carried a little fear, but the action of posting was a part of that healing, not just the writing.

And so, it was a reality that TWO blogs in a row, I may have seemed quite negative.  Or defeated.  And if you don’t actually know me or talk to me regularly, that would make sense for you to assume that, right?  I mean, geez.  I threw a literary fit two blogs ago, when I wrote about my frustration for Project LiveNotes not receiving submissions.  Ha!  Yep, I was pissed at my post not being shared on Facebook. 

Oh, wah.  Poor Jen. 

It probably took me about an hour to write that blog and post it, but do you really think I sat and stewed in those emotions the whole day?  I certainly hope not.  No.  In actuality, I analyzed what was my fault in the situation and what things I had the power to change.  THAT’S what I did after writing about that angst. 

I realized that no one can be blamed for how social media functions in people’s lives, except for EVERYONE who participates in social media.  And I’m one of those people, so I should probably just sit down and shut up about that scenario.  I only became active on Facebook once I started this blog, so I can’t say that I’ve EVER shared anyone else’s posts much either.  Nope.  I’m just like many who somewhat stalk and scroll and never comment or “like” anything in particular. 

So, I shifted my efforts to reaching out to hospitals and nursing and hospice care centers.  That seemed to be a much better use of my time, energy and passion.  I simply realized that my efforts on Facebook were futile, so I had to adjust my strategy…just like I had done with my musical outreach, when I decided that spending time on videos was silly of me.

But I did “call out” those who are posting videos.  And I’m not sure that was very nice of me.  I had to take stock of what doing that made me feel like, and it wasn’t all too good.  In that mild shame, I had a little self-realization.  Those people may not spend the kind of time that I assume, because they may be healthier emotionally than myself.  They may not question their own talent and seek perfection in their performance like I do.  Additionally, they may need to focus on those projects, because it helps them mentally and emotionally during this time of isolation, so who am I to question what is working for them??? 

Yeah, I feel a little ashamed.  And appropriately so.  Their own personal fortitude should be celebrated, not judged by me.

Sorry, ya’ll.  Like I said, this writing thing is a process.  I may not always do or say the right thing here, but I’m trying.  You must take me as I am, but trust that I am always learning and willing to take feedback, because it’s healthy for all of us. An important component of recovery is readily admitting mistakes, and I will always seek to understand when I’ve made them.

Today is a new day.  I get to learn new things and try new things and figure out the next RIGHT thing.  It’s not my job to only write positive and inspirational thoughts each day.  It’s not my job to only be encouraging.  I’m a pretty positive person, but these weeks have been difficult for me as well.  I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said.  I’ve been crippled by my own selfish pain.  I’ve watched more Netflix than any human should ever be capable of. 

Lordy, I write about being an alcoholic, man.  That FACT could even be a reason why people don’t want to associate with Project LiveNotes.  Who knows?  My own self-doubt asks that question.  Perhaps I should stop writing for a while, so that no one knows that the creator and woman in charge of a large project happened to be in rehab a little over a year ago.  Perhaps my own past is affecting people’s support of the project.  That would be sad, but it could also be true.

My job is to be honest with you and give you a little part of me each day.  That’s what this is.  It’s literally the thoughts that I wake up with, and you may never know what transpires throughout the day as a result of my processing them in this way. 

I have never sought to present myself as a saint.  I didn’t stop failing when I stopped drinking.  My own faults and difficulties just became easier to see once my judgement and cognitive thinking were not clouded.  But remember, I just started writing a few months ago.  And there is no editor.  There is no PR person warning me about how you may take my words. 

I stand behind all that I’ve written each day, because that’s where I was in that moment, and I obviously felt strong enough to communicate that to the world.  I am not anonymous as many recovery blog writers happen to be.  I am accountable for all that I write and all that I am.

Thank you for taking me as I am.  Thank you for giving me feedback that makes me think.  I stand resolute in never taking down a post, unless I truly feel that I’ve hurt others irreparably.  Some of my words may be taken out of context and I may sometimes need to clarify, but if you are regular reader, you already know me well enough to know that I’m pretty damn honest.  That will always be my goal. 

Honesty comes with a price for us all, sometimes.  The truth may not be pretty, but I made a commitment to you months ago to try to be fearless with these thoughts.  Please know that as often as I write about addiction, those are not the thoughts that often fill my days.  I’m just like you, in that I’m doing my best. 

I will try not to hurt others today.  I will try to release resentments which hold back my thinking and hopeful evolution.  I will let my best self, lead these efforts…because that’s what I’m charged as a human to do.

Be kind, ya’ll. 

But if you fuck up, admit it.