My Cry for HELP

I’m not sure if you noticed or not, but I did quite a bit of work on this blog site, deleting most of the essays and ultimately deciding what to keep.  Of the 58 blogs written and over 250 pages of type-written words over the last year, I kept only twelve essays…somewhat painfully deleting much of the more detailed entries and also ones of a more “sensitive” nature.  I don’t regret ANY of them, but part of any adult’s life is deciding what kind of public information they want the world to have access to…or even specific individuals.

If you’ve been with me from the get-go…well then, you’ve heard it all.  You’ve read and taken it all in, and therefore, you likely have a fairly complete picture of my story and even of my personality as a whole.  Isn’t that strange to think about?  And if you’re arriving late to the party…just read the first couple of essays.  You’ll figure out how and why I write in this way, and you can read about me on the About the Author page. 

It was a difficult process to whittle down so many words into just a few writings, and I ultimately ended up reading many of them again, to rationally decide which ones were best…or which ones might be meaningful to the general reader. 

But I kept asking myself the same question:  Why do YOU read? 

You see, I’ve already told you that I must question my own intentions just about every morning, and most definitely, when I decide to post an actual writing.  But that’s only one side of the question at hand, right?  I know what my inner desires are for the writings themselves, but I often have no idea why you read them or if they have a positive impact on your life in any way.  Do you see how confounding this question is?  Do you see why it might be in my best interest to understand why the majority of regular readers hang around this little space every week?  What do you get OUT of IT?

If I ask you to respond, I also open myself up to being embarrassed or offended by your responses…or lack thereof, really.  That’s a calculated risk.  I can ask you to give me some answers, and then it’s entirely possible that you will not type a response on this page, go right back to Facebook, not click that thumbs up or little red heart, not comment in that space either, and just keep scrolling.  You don’t show yourselves to me or others, because you don’t have to, right?  Ha!  Yep.  I get it.  Even Mike never does those things, and he reads each and every one of my essays, and we sometimes discuss them.  He’s primarily on Facebook as a silent participant, only perusing the marketplace for things to buy or posting things we need to get out of our house.  Therefore, don’t think that I don’t like you if you don’t kiss me in public.  I’m fairly guarded about those actions as well. 

The challenge of bearing my soul is always present.  I am constantly asking myself to overcome feelings of shame in both my past…and in this kind of writing.  If you’ve ever had issues around addiction, you understand this.  And if you haven’t, then it’s likely that you terribly underestimate JUST how much love and support it takes to change the shameful messages that we addicts hear…sometimes from intimate associates, and most definitely from society as a whole.  There are good days when I feel centered, and there are bad days when self-loathing makes me want to pull the covers over my head and hide in the darkness.  And right when I think that enough time has passed and enough progress has been made, I am sometimes struck by a moment when I am thrown right back to the beginning.  I can usually move through those feelings quicker, but the moments of regression are sometimes stunning in nature.

But as I near the anniversary of the beginning of this blog, I’m questioning who my audience is and why they continue to read.  It makes a difference to me, because I am truly interested.  Eagerly questioning.  Because perhaps the general audience reads for reasons that I have never considered.  And I wonder how I may focus future efforts in a way that addresses just WHY you may be a regular reader.

I mean, do you read because you TOO have personal issues that you are trying to overcome?  Do you read because it’s merely interesting to read a true account of a person in early recovery from alcohol abuse?  Do you read because we are or were friends in the past?  Do you read because you have been close to another addict in the past, and hope to gain understanding? 

Your answers matter, because I wonder how it may shape this medium moving forward.  Make sense?

So…yep.  A lot of the essays are gone now.  They are still in my administrative view on the site, but they aren’t for public consumption anymore.  I still think it’s very possible that they could turn into something else, but while I have contemplated writing a book in the past, I don’t think it will be a memoir.  I gave up on that idea, because there would be no way to openly write about one of the more painful aspects of my history.  Nope, I can’t do it.  And if you’ve been reading every essay over the last couple of months…you know why.

It’s been disappointing to realize that I don’t have this kind of freedom, but that’s just life, folks.  To ever write a memoir would be a kind of truth-telling that people in my immediate presence would be affected by.  Not only would the details be hurtful, but the truth-telling itself could hinder my own progress, in that I’m working very hard to remove barriers in my life…not put them up.  And as much as I like to preach that truth has set me free…there are consequences for speaking fully about some of these truths.   

I don’t regret anything that I’ve written.  I’m not ashamed of any admissions or proclamations.  I stand behind each word.  But the time has come to move on, and this is one way to outwardly portray this inner intent.  You saw naked pictures of me.  I mean, yeah, I meant to send them to you, but I didn’t really mean for you to have the ability to save them into your camera roll.  So, I deleted much of the thread. 

Recovery itself is always changing.  So too, am I.  Time and focus seem to affect my output, and stories told, or lessons learned change as well.    My hope is that this medium will grow and change, right along with my inner thoughts and sensibilities.  And I’m hoping your OWN input will help to inform projects in the future. 

I’ve been working on new project, and I hope to have details for you very soon.  It’s yet another experimental venture that I’m both excited about but also fairly apprehensive.  When I started this blog a year ago, I had to move through this kind of fear, and have faith that it would lead to something different.  It did, so in accepting this part of the process, I may be standing before you full-frontal once again very soon.  The new idea capitalizes on my openness, but also invites others to participate, because we can learn so much from one another person when we come to table with our own stories and truths. 

If I can be so bold as to ask for your involvement, please share with me why you meet me in this space.  Share a little or a lot.  Write me privately or share here or on Facebook.  It really doesn’t matter to me.  Just know that whatever answers I receive will help inform and shape this new project.  I’m asking you for a reason.

Please don’t just encourage me.  I’m asking for you to enlighten me.