Questionable faith.
Yesterday, 5:00 am.
I’m a little frustrated this morning. The good news is that I absolutely have faith in the fact that these emotions of mine are fleeting. I have faith in the idea that “this too, shall pass”. This, I know for sure. The best part of recovery is being able to stand in my present emotions and in my own personal truths, even if they ain’t purty at the moment. It may not initially get better, but at least it will be different. History has taught me that this is FAITH in the unknowing, and it’s also TRUST in myself.
Therefore, if someone asks, I will always speak the truth. Yep. If you ask me “how I am” today or tomorrow, you can trust that I’ll be honest with you. I’m not going to protect your feelings necessarily, because I’ve done plenty of that before, and avoiding my own truth never served me well. Therefore, I suppose this commitment also comes with a gentle warning, right? If you want to ask that ambiguous question, you must be able to handle what comes out of my mouth. My heart may be on my sleeve, and I just wiped my nose with it.
A few days ago, I wrote that recovery has come with a lot of “things said out loud”, and I really mean that. Most of the time, Mike laughs at these “verbal forthcomings”. I try not to be brutal with this honesty, but sure, sometimes I realize that I shouldn’t have said whatever that WAS…out loud.
But mostly, I’m learning that…generally speaking, we can all handle the TRUTH.
Truth and honesty are usually followed by liberation.
Therefore, the sooner that we talk about whatever we’ve kept silent…the sooner we can face whatever those truths are. We can embrace these “things said out loud” and deal with them.
And in speaking our own truths, we also extend our faith and trust in others. In these actions, we are hoping they can “handle the truth” as well…and that basically, both parties will be accepting. But it begins with asking the question out loud and answering it with honesty.
And then the clarity of writing just 24 hours later…
Um…yep. I arose this morning ANYTHING but frustrated. Actually, I’m rather hopeful and faith filled.
Yesterday, I was in a state of frustration about trying to help an extended-family member take control of her life. And clearly, I started to write about it. A mere 48 hours before I began that writing, I had spent the day driving to pick her up from a psych ward and driving her to her apartment in a nearby town. I don’t need to disclose the details, but what I can say is that there are changes that need to occur, before the consequences of her actions can be remedied. There is likely a long road of healing ahead for her, but only if she can accept that the journey may be farther than what is in view. Right? I mean, that’s the troubling thing about Recovery, in its general sense. WE don’t know what lies ahead. WE don’t know how long IT will take, because at the beginning, we don’t even know what IT is.
There are parts of her story that I can relate to, and many parts that differ in dramatic ways…but mostly, I had hoped to speak with her from a place of honesty and non-judgmental acceptance. Not acceptance of all actions that got her there, but acceptance of her as a person and acknowledgment of faith in her ability and potential to heal and change.
Because I believe in those things fervently.
If anything…THESE beliefs are the primary way that I even express my FAITH.
I think I can count on one hand how many times I have ever quoted bible verses to someone, but I have always lived with faith, whether I was in recovery or not. In this way, I often relied on internalized faith, and only recently decided that it was in my best interest and in the best interest of the world…to put this faith into ACTION.
Writing. Speaking out. Offering to try to support her. These are all actions of my faith.
But in my hours of conversation with her…what I heard was what I interpreted as mostly blind optimism. Faith without understanding. Racing forward in hope, before acceptance of reality.
So, blind optimism does NOT carry faith for me. Saying “everything happens for a reason”, only carries meaning when you take on the responsibility to understand what that REASON is. Bible verses before book study presents a rosy outlook, but for many of us, we’ve got to face the facts first. We must speak of that reality out loud, in order to try to change ourselves internally…and then, represent that change by external actions. We must speak of that reality to OTHERS, if we want help and support. If we’ve only prayed to God for help, but never had the balls to speak our ACTUAL truths to another person, we may be our own worst enabler. Just an unfortunate part of human nature, silent truths are usually just…denial. And similarly, if we use blind optimism and faithful sayings to cloud a harsh reality, we are just contributing to our own complacency, stunting our own growth, and even leaving the door open for…regression.
I’ve probably said it before, but I often hold myself back from specific prayers for MYSELF all the time…not because I don’t have faith in my God, but because the majority of the time, those selfish requests are things HE OR SHE has given me the power to change. MYSELF. Personal responsibility is inherent in the human condition. God may be a guiding force, but force is “strength or energy as an attribute of physical action or movement.” PHYSICAL- as in HUMAN.
If I would have heard true acceptance of her reality, FOLLOWED by faithful sayings…then it would have been a different day entirely. I wouldn’t have had to hold myself back, because I would have known that I could speak freely.
But I didn’t. I suppose that was a judgement call on my part. Perhaps I was wrong, but I certainly didn’t want to alienate her or seem threatening in any way, so I chose to tread lightly. I know I did my best, and therefore, my best assessment was to assume that going any further into the more difficult questions, would have been going too far. I feared that she wasn’t ready for the more difficult questions.
Yet.
Remember? I have faith. Ever and always, it is my guiding light and guiding force.
I know that I am always trying to work through my own issues surrounding what I say and what I do, in my efforts to serve a greater good. I don’t always have clear answers and sometimes I make mistakes, but I trust that if I ask a lot of questions…I just may get an answer to at least ONE of my questions that feels sufficient. In this way, even at 46 years of age, I’m still that little kid in the backseat, just verbalizing each and everything that comes into my head, I suppose. I’m asking myself and others ALL of the uncomfortable questions that I don’t have answers to, because I believe that verbalizing these questions is my faith in action. There is truth in the ASKING.
Jack Nicholson is wrong. We CAN all handle the truth, folks. Have faith in yourself and in others, for we are all in this thing together.
Share your questions with others. Share your truth with trusted individuals. Be willing to have the uncomfortable conversations that may set you free.
The interesting thing about yesterday, is that an old friend sent me a message. I don’t believe I’ve seen her in-person in several years, and even our last meeting, likely only carried a simple greeting and expected pleasantries.
Her text message ended by asking me a question. I’ve already told you enough for you to KNOW that I just love questions. Again, I would never disclose details, but I will say that she may be at the beginning of recovery herself. If she reads this, I hope that doesn’t scare her. I just know that my own personal healing started by doing exactly what she did yesterday…putting her truth and her fears into words that ended with a question mark.
It’s rather amazing. My instinct tells me that we may have strikingly similar histories. I can’t tell you exactly why I believe that at this point, but there’s faith in that assumption. It has always been my hope that there will continue to be value in sharing the recovery story of someone who “seems like a typical girl from a nice middle-class, American family”.
A few people have contacted me directly, and I don’t know if they know their importance in my actual continuation of this endeavor. I’ve been struggling along in this blog medium for almost a year, often asking myself if my vulnerability is worth the constant confusion and discomfort of this kind of public nudity. And there are sweet and supportive responses sometimes, but I ask myself that question EVERY fucking morning.
And just like that, I receive an unexpected answer.
Yes. It is worth it.
HER question made it worth it.
