Will's World
I’ve been awake for a couple of hours now, and really didn’t plan on writing today…but then I found myself having a conversation with myself in my own mind. And usually, that means I should open this laptop and begin to process it all. I’ve done this enough to know and understand that there’s usually “something there” to explore, even if it ends up being deleted.
Here’s the thought. How does trauma get processed by our own thoughts and emotions…and how does it manifest in our behavior? What actions does it prompt? How do we move through the less productive emotions, into ones that move us towards our own healing? And what does that look like when you are TEN?
Honestly, this is when I usually want to stop and do a lot of research, so I don’t sound like a moron, but then I tell myself, that maybe it’s a learning experience to just write about such things from a layperson’s viewpoint, right? I mean, first of all…you have trust in the fact that I’m not trying to sound overly educated and convincing. I’m just trying to figure things out. And on the other hand, my honest effort to apply these questions, may prompt you to do your own digging.
I always laugh at that expression…to “dig deep”. Lord, what does that even mean? Am I “leaning into discomfort”? Ha! Perhaps. I can tell you with great honesty that I’ve likely dug so deep, that I’ve almost turned myself inside out. Not sure if that’s a good thing, but that’s my brain, people. Yep. I ain’t afraid to do the digging or the leaning. I just may not use those terms, because I like to buck overused sayings. They just annoy me, frankly.
Last night, Will and I watched a movie together. We sat close, and he interjected more commentary than I care for, for the most part. But that’s what you endure if you agree to watch a movie that he loves, that he’s already seen several times. He doesn’t actually quote the script; he just enjoys preparing you for what’s going to happen next. It’s a running commentary of sorts, where you miss a lot of the actual lines, because he’s talking over them. But I enjoy experiencing his overall fervor, for he always surprises me with his earnestness and attention to detail.
At one point, evidently my face looked rather blank, because he actually asked me if I was annoyed. Ugh. I was, but I immediately tried to put a self-check in place, instead of portraying my inner thoughts upon my own brow line. I had seen the movie before, so there was little to no interest in actually enduring it again. I was doing it for him, because that was what his first choice was. And those of you who have multiple children, with a last “caboose kid” several years younger than the others, know that their own preferences often get denied by the older kids. Teenagers can take up a lot of space in a household, so I try to grab onto the times when it’s just Will and myself…and give him the space and time to be fully WILL. It’s always entertaining, but you may have to get through parts of what you’ve seen already, before he shares the funny “nuggets” with you. Wait for it. The plot twist usually comes when you least expect it.
Before the movie, he shared a lot of the Tik Tok video dances that he learns each and every week. While I’m aware that there may be a little too much of that, he can’t take his hip-hop classes right now, so his independent endeavors to learn dances in this way…is really the only dancing he’s doing right now. He was in the middle of his first season of taking lessons, when everything shut down, so he never got the opportunity to have a recital or have the feelings involved in working for months to get to a single presentation of all that you have learned. We’ve still got his first costume upstairs, but he’s never even put it on. Just one of the many disappointments that this 10-year-old has had over the last 6 months. I must remind myself to pay attention to what’s happening for HIM, because he is more emotional than I used to assume. He’s likely more like myself than I ever imagined, so I pay special attention to what he’s NOT saying.
He’s extremely perceptive, in that he has the ability to move with “swag” and also the talent of learning just by SEEING someone do a certain move once. I danced when I was younger, so I realize how important these two talents are. Even though I’ve always moved my body well, I do not have the ability to do what he does. It’s as if he “understands” the moves and the attitude inherent in hip-hip dance, itself. I don’t know why that is, but I tell him all the time that most people can not do what he does. They don’t understand it on the same level…especially at the age of ten, while growing up in a household with no other dancers around.
His older brother has always played sports, and while Will plays baseball and football, I see a spark in his eyes when he dances, that I want to promote and allow him to explore. The confidence and independence that I see in his efforts, is worth more than winning a football game. But please know that I certainly recognize and support each and every one of his interests. He tends to go through rather intense and passing phases of interest, so I must always prepare myself for his attention to shift in a dramatic way. Just wait for it. The plot twist usually comes when you least expect it.
There were some mixed feelings on my part, when I learned that he was going to go hunting for the first time last week. I can’t say that I openly supported the idea, but I did hold myself back from creating unneeded apprehension that could have negatively affected him. He was five when his older brother was shot point-blank in a hunting accident, so this was a big step for us as a family and a big step for him personally. For months after the accident, he would draw pictures of people getting shot, and I would spend hours struggling to understand the best way to support a 5-year-old through that kind of trauma.
He never saw the wounds at their worst. His father and myself were the only one’s privy to that ugliness, but he did experience the whole recovery process in his own 5-year-old way, right? Undoubtedly, he’s had his own fears and repercussions to work through, and I try not to undermine how he wants to move through those in the present. He was in counseling back then, and I’m always conscientious of the fact that he could need more in the future, if he shows signs of needing help in any way. Lord, I LOVE me some therapy. So for me, I make sure that my kids know that to EVER say that you need some help working through something is to also be showing bravery and honesty. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. That’s a hard one to teach, because it likely takes years and maturity before those words don’t sound like bullshit to them, but that’s why I repeat them as necessary. They are not words to me, they have been actions that they know I support, because I’ve been honest with them about my own journey.
That’s the most precious gift I can give to them: for them to know that honesty and vulnerability is supported in my home. I work through my shit, so that they know how to do it for themselves. I have never been perfect. My brow line has given me away a few times, right? But they know that I’ll stick it through to the end, because the plot twist usually comes when you least expect it. You just have to keep watching.
He came home from hunting with his father, brother and a few friends, and as much as I didn’t want to hear the stories, I sat and listened. I tried to be aware of my facial expressions, so as to not reveal my nervousness in hearing about the details. There were a lot of them, because he spent just as much time on those stories as he did on the running commentary last night. He was standing in front of me and even acted things out physically. And as much as I value his attention to detail in dance, his reenactment of shooting the shotgun made me shudder inside. I’ve seen what a shot like that does to a body, so unfortunately, I had my own visionary commentary running in my head. Oh yeah, and my own subtitles with curse words as well.
But I sat through the whole movie, because he needed to write his own script. He was excited, there was little to no fear in his words, and as he told his story, his own eagerness brought me back to the present. It would be unfair of me to contribute to how and what he writes, how and what he chooses to do, in order to move through what trauma, he himself experienced when he was five. As far as I can see, he’s dealing with the past and present in a healthy way, and I trust in my own attention to detail where he is concerned. I trust that I’ll know if he is struggling or confused and that we have the kind of relationship that supports openness and vulnerability.
As a family, we each were forced to deal with what happened to Evan. We are individuals and must give one another the space to deal with that old drama and trauma in our own ways. I realize that we would all feel differently, if things had ended differently. Instead of anything sad, we all experienced Evan’s sustained, but amazing recovery. So, you can’t blame us for our optimism. Evan was with Will on this first hunting adventure, and while I do not know if Will has any actual interest in continuing to hunt, it was obviously important for him to experience this with his older brother. I cannot underestimate the value in that.
After being invited several times, he chose to learn to shoot a gun last week, and I had to allow that to happen, under appropriate supervision, of course. I don’t allow guns in my home, and I doubt that I will ever change my mind on that, but my children are allowed the freedom to process things in their own ways. I cannot dictate how they heal. If it was up to me, I’d go ahead and make each of their decisions in a way that I would never worry and fret about what may happen in the next scene. I’d write it in a way in which I never have to shield my eyes from the screen.
But remember, that’s not up to me. They are writing their own stories, and I must trust them to choose what happens next.
I’m fully aware that there may be plot twists ahead, but instead of dreading those, I’m choosing to embrace the unknowing…and even appreciate the suspense.
