Yes, I'm YELLING!

I shouldn’t be doing this right now.  I shouldn’t be writing this morning.  It’s pouring outside, before 6:00 am this Saturday morning, and this is not how I should be spending my time, frankly. 

But I am.  I’m writing you.  It’s the first time that I’ve had the time to write in almost a week, and I truly mean that.  I’ve awakened, my mind wild with flitting thoughts and virtual lists to cross off.  I’ve had to center myself long enough to figure out the next action item on those extensive mental lists and even remind myself to eat.

I didn’t actually write these things down, which is funny.  Over the last few days, I really tried to just focus on the next thing, because that next line item was usually a large feat, such as building the website for Project LiveNotes.

There was an internal shift that occurred on Monday morning, hours before thinking of this little project idea. I woke up pretty damn salty…dare I say, angry.  I mean, frustrated and antsy and teeming with thoughts of how to change the world and even how to change my outlook on humanity.  Right?  I knew it wasn’t fair to have negative thoughts about the world and the people in it, if I wasn’t WILLING to contribute to changing both of those things. 

Here was the initial frustration…and I hope that my explanation doesn’t become too pointed, mean and accusatory.  I don’t mean it to be as such, but I also value anger in a way that I didn’t before.  Untranslated anger is stifling, crippling, even destructive.  But anger that feeds an idea, and ideas that turn into action are an entirely different animal.  That animal is born, grows and even morphs into another beast if it evolves.

Little back story: I never used to express anger.  I kept it where I thought it was safe, where I could change its face by smiling, disguise its voice so it sounded like measured frustration, and make it seem as if it never even entered the room.  Usually, others were completely unaware that I was even uncomfortable, much less ANGRY.  Yeah, well….that never served me all too well.  My go-to reaction to things was often to “bring myself down” WAY too quickly before anger was even fleshed out appropriately. So, I had already had this recognition before all of this pandemic madness began…and before Monday even rolled around.  Therefore, I decided to explore that anger.  I tried to decipher just exactly WHAT I was angry about.  And I analyzed if it was appropriate to DO anything about a few of the realizations that I was sitting with.   

And I realize I must give a mild disclaimer.  I KNOW that I have no idea the fullness of what is going on in people’s lives, what their particular challenges are at this moment, and it’s impossible to know those things from the outside.  Hmmm…and the only “outside” we have right now is what we take in from our screens, right?  We aren’t able to see friends in the workplace, or at church, or our daughter’s elementary concert, or our son’s baseball games.  We’ve got our phones.  Our Ipads.  Our laptops.

Yep, that’s about it, folks.  If you haven’t figured out how to use those tools to the best of your ability, I got news for you.  You have the time now, and you will have the time in the coming weeks.  Your frustration with being disconnected from others is distinctly within your power to change. 

Your power to be patient with yourself and others…and figure this shit out, is staring at you in the mirror this morning!  AND MY patience to brainstorm, process, and turn frustration and anger into positive action of some sort is what keeps me company on this couch this morning!

Here’s how I see it.  If you have food in the fridge, you aren’t worried about paying your bills, and those in your household are healthy, it is your RESPONSIBILITY to do SOMETHING.  Maybe it’s something already within your comfort zone.  Perhaps you enjoy sewing and making masks for first-responders makes sense.  Perhaps you have funds to donate to organizations feeding families where both parents are out of work.  Perhaps you have an extra device that a student in your neighborhood needs in order to do their online schoolwork.  You could post something on your neighborhood forum online.  Or better yet, maybe your neighborhood hasn’t even thought of having a page of the website dedicated to people being able to reach out for help…and others to provide a service.  Like 2 cups of flour, dammit.  I mean TWO columns: “Can you help me?”  and “How I can help.”  Geez, what an opportunity to get to know your neighbors better and build community with people right down the street that you’ve never met.

Those are wonderful things to do, and I applaud people doing what they can.  We may or may not know what positive actions people are taking, unless we hear them directly from someone, see it on Facebook, or gossip about others.  That’s entirely true.  But I fear that many that are able…are NOT.

If this is all too much right now to move forward in action, that’s entirely okay.  But for those of us that have our basic needs met and are emotionally sound enough to do something?  Fucking do it.

Okay, okay…I got that off of my chest.  Thank you.  Now back to the story of the week.

So, here were the main frustrations. 

I’m seeing lots and lots of musical presentations presented on social media forums.  Some I truly value and appreciate and seem to be driven by a generous spirit.  Oh God, I love those, and have even watched certain videos repeatedly. 

And some just seem like people wanting to be SEEN.  Now, I must be honest.  Those of us who are artists and musicians often have a little part of our personality which is “fed” by being seen.  That’s not all bad.  I mean, it’s what usually gives us the stamina and ability to be that vulnerable in the first place.  I don’t think it’s what prompts me to sing, necessarily, but sometimes recognition and positive reinforcement is what calms me after being vulnerable and putting my talents out there.  Does that make sense?  It makes it worth it to know that it meant something to someone, whoever that may be. 

So when I finally decided to put a recording onto my blog site, I had to let go of feeling like a self-centered and egotistical fool, really.  I had to decide that if there was even a POSSIBILITY that it could help bring serenity to someone’s day, then it was worth it.  But when you send something out into the virtual expanse, you just don’t KNOW, do you?  There would be no way for me to know if being vulnerable was paying off in some way.  So, I had to let that go. 

But for me personally, I got absolutely nothing out of it.  And I wondered why.

Well, that’s because I couldn’t connect.  I couldn’t take in another person, because I didn’t have eyes to peer into.  It was horrible to even try to make this recording, because I had to do multiple takes, because even seeing my OWN face on the front of my phone, was obviously disconcerting.  Ha!  I found that I kept doing this strange double-blinking thing, like an awkward facial stutter showing my discomfort.  Lord, I should post the first one.  It was really funny. 

I literally had to coax myself into trying again, and again, and again…until I could get out of self, and not look at my own face, but just center on the camera point and picture who I was singing to.  After about 5 tries, I was finally able to do it, because in my mind, I was singing to my friends from rehab…whom I sang the piece to 14 months ago.  I had to trick my brain, before I could connect to the simple melody and to my own generosity.

And the whole process just took TOO much time.  I mean, really?  It’s in the world’s BEST INTEREST for me to take an hour making a fucking 2:58 minute solo????

I think not.

So, Monday morning I started fleshing out an idea. 

Project LiveNotes, where musicians sing or play LIVE for isolated individuals who are in need of uplifting music and connection.  That’s who I wanted to sing to.  That’s how I can use my talent and vulnerability.  That’s where the HOUR that I spent on a 3-minute video could have helped someone struggling.  And not just ONE, but I could have called about 7-8 individuals in that hour!!!

See?

That’s how this thing works.  This thing where we express our anger, analyze what parts of it we have the power to change for ourselves and others, and move forward in action.

I first awakened with frustration from the day before over posting the video, and then I got on Facebook and saw efforts just like mine.  Stupid.  We were all spending numerous hours on videos.  I don’t actually blame the people who just do a single take and put it out there or are doing live concerts on their porch to raise money for organizations.  I blame the people spending hours and hours on projects that focus more on themselves than anything else.  I hope I’m clear about that.

My mom listened to my saltiness.  Yep, I sprinkled in some f bombs, and threw a bit of it over my shoulder as I paced angrily around the house talking.  The kids were at their father’s and Mike was in Florida to see our Alexander children, so the house was mine, and I filled that sucker UP with some fire.

And by the early afternoon I had an actual plan.  Yeah, I did the bare minimum for my IT position that day and hashed out my idea.  An idea and a plan for Project LiveNotes. 

Monday late afternoon:  posted a call on Facebook to musicians to see if others would join me as Volunteer Vocalists and Instrumentalists.

Tuesday morning:  had about 30 willing Volunteers from various parts of the country. Decided to build a website

Tuesday afternoon:  had a call from a fellow musician who is connected in philanthropy and with leaders within the Austin community and beyond.  We’re working on a partnership.

Wednesday morning:  now over 40 Volunteers, still working on a functional website where Volunteers can sign up and Sender’s can submit requests for worthy Recipients.  Kids arrived from their dad’s.

Thursday morning:  now around 50 Volunteers, still working on website (oh yeah, and working my IT job and feeding the children.  Not either one done well, but that’s okay). 

Thursday afternoon:  Connect with a hospice center director and set up a video conference.  Work my ass off on website, very aware that I was prepared for this endeavor after creating this blog site…and doing terrifying things so far out of my comfort zone.

Friday morning:  send out an “ad” of sorts for LiveNotes website.  Question that.  Decide that it’s probably best to just send the link. Ask that people SHARE it.  Keep it simple. 

Major realization: It’s not really being “shared” like I anticipated.

Breathe in…breathe out…breathe in…breathe out. Repeat, as necessary.

This morning:  I’m saddened that people don’t move to action by a simple SHARE on Facebook.  There is no money exchanging hands in Project LiveNotes. There are only people involved that care about connecting, not just presenting their best or being recognized and seen…

And WE have NO ONE to sing or play to just yet.

I am sitting in the “just yet.”  You see, it’s possible that this is the calm before the storm.  It’s possible that today is the day to enjoy being in the house with the kids, while rain falls on this roof and make cookies and other comfort food while playing board games.  That’s the plan, actually.  And I’m grateful to have that plan for this day.  It is NOT what I expected, but I will embrace it with joy, because I know that I need some quality time with the kids.

I’m still a little angry.  I’m painfully aware that I may need to fight for this organization.  Expecting a post that isn’t a funny meme or selfie-video, or a celebrity doing ANYTHING, or scary Covid-19 statistics…to be SHARED was a lot to ask.  I know.  Things like this don’t go viral. 

I know that would be chaotic, and I don’t want that.  But I thrive in a little controlled chaos.   I’m asking that people help, because I cannot do it all myself.  I need help getting the message of what we do…to the people who need it. And that only happens with exponential sharing of the website.

I’ll fight.  Fuck yes, I will.  I’ll make calls to try to get publicity if I must.  I’ll attempt to get meetings with hospital and nursing home executives.  I’ll do anything and everything that seems like a good idea right now.

But I’ll also embrace this possible calm before the storm, because that’s what I’m GIVEN this morning.  I’ll embrace this morning, because I have it better than so many.  I’ll hug my children and make better meals that aren’t heated up in the microwave and engage with them in boardgames on the coffee table, because I have no power over certain things on this Saturday morning.

To come full circle right back to my opening sentence…NO, I shouldn’t be writing right now. I should have been busy pairing musicians with worthy people to sing to this morning. People alone in hospitals with no visitors allowed, and isolated and ailing in nursing homes and hospices AND home alone after two weeks with emotional or mental issues.

But I’m writing you. You’re welcome.